NAMESxJAMiExYO on Xanga

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Saturday, 08 January 2011

wow...

so i haven't been on here in a LONG time... and looking back on what i have wrote... its crazy how so little can change and so much can change all at the same time... so let me see... the last time i wrote on this i was dating Dustin, who is now the father of my son and is also in prison for 4 and a half years... i was sober, but i ended up relapsing and got sober again on December 18th, 2009, and have been sober ever since... but a little before that i was confused about who i loved... nick, brandon, or allen... well its funny how that works... i don't talk to Nick anymore, Allen got married and haven't talked to him in a while... and me and Brandon are dating, moved in together, and have a child on the way... its just crazy how things work out... i never in a million years thought i would be in the situation i am in now. one thing many people don't get is Brandon is not the type of person to settle down... every time i hear the song "whatever it is" by zac brown band, and i hear the line "you know i've never been the type that would ever want to stay bring 'em home at night and they're gone the next day", it reminds me of him... because thats how he was... and it feels good to say was in that sentence... me and him have been through a lot... a few months after we started dating, i found out he had cheated on me several times, and i was so in love i decided to stay with him... and i'm glad i did... i just let it be known to him i didn't trust him at all... and i do trust him now, but i still let him think i don't fully trust him just so i dont let my guard completely down... but i can say with 100% certainty that i am satisfied with where i am in my life right now... i have never felt this way before... its just crazy how things work out... now i'm going to write more later just had to write a little bit now.. so glad i got back on Xanga!!!

<3 jamie

Sunday, 18 October 2009

guess i just need to vent

making changes are so hard to do... ugh... fml... i am trying to be a better person and i dont know if i am doing it for me or someone else... but eitger way it seeems to be worth it... i like the new me and other people seem to like it too... i guess it was just meant to be right... everything happens for a reason type of deal???

Saturday, 25 July 2009

BETTER DAYZZ!!

so i am not too sure where to start. so much has changed and it is totally for the better. i came to the conclusion i cannot keep living life like i was and went into rehab. i didnt know what else to do. i ended up going to a recovery house and it was a good experience for the most part. i didnt like the recovery house i was at very much, but i met some amazing people who have impacted my life greatly. i also met a boy. i know that i am not supposed to date in the first year of soberity, but i couldnt resist. i call him my "mr. wonderful" and that he is. he has over three years of soberity. i think i am in love!!! i wouldnt mind spending the rest of my life with him. he is completely amazing!!!

Saturday, 14 March 2009

i NEVER KNOW HOW TO START THESE THiNGS OUT... THERE iS ALWAYS SO MUCH GOiNG ON iN MY HEAD... AND EVERYTiME i NEVER GET TO FiNiSH BECAUSE i JUST GET SO LOST iN ONE THOUGHT AND SO WRAPPED UP iN iT THAT i JUST HAVE TO STOP THiNKiNG ABOUT SHiT...
FOR THE PEOPLE THAT KNOW ME, i PROBABLY COME OFF AS SOMEONE WHO KEEPS EVERYTHiNG TOGETHER PRETTY WELL [WHiCH i DO FOR THE MOST PART]... BUT LET ME TELL YOU... i AM SERiOUSLY ON THE EDGE OF FUCKiNG BREAKiNG DOWN... i AM AT A POiNT iN MY LiFE WHERE i KNOW WHAT i WANT TO DO, BUT GETTiNG iT DONE iS A COMPLETELY DiFFERENT STORY ALL iN iTSELF...
THEN AGAiN... WHEN i THiNK ABOUT iT... i REALLY HAVE NO CLUE WHAT i WANT iN LiFE... i MEAN... i KNOW THAT i WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL... BECOME A TEACHER... ALL THAT WHAT NOT... BUT THAT iS NOT MY WHOLE LiFE... THAT iS NOT EVEN A DENT iNTO MY LiFE... THERE ARE SO MANY THiNGS THAT i AM UNSURE OF...
iF YOU READ ANY OF MY PAST BLOGS, YOU KNOW i AM HAViNG SO RELATiONSHiP iSSUES... LET ME GET A BiT iNTO THAT PiT OF FiRE JUST TO START iT ALL OFF...

THERE iS THiS GUY BRANDON WHO i AM SEEiNG RiGHT NOW... AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, HE iS A COMPLETE SWEET HEART... AND i KNOW THAT HE WANTS WHAT iS BEST FOR ME AND i LOVE THAT... BUT i DON'T KNOW iF i WANT WHAT iS BEST FOR ME YET... LiKE... i SMOKE WEED... EVERYDAY OF MY LiFE... CAN'T EVEN LiE... AND HE iSN'T REALLY FEELiNG THAT... BUT i TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHERE HE iS COMiNG FROM... HE iS iN THE ARMY... SO HE CAN'T BE AROUND THAT KiND OF STUFF... HiS OTHER REASON WAS BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO BE ABLE TO MEET HiS FAMiLY AND HiS LiTTLE BROTHERS AND DOESN"T WANT THEM TO BE AROUND ALL OF THAT. WHiCH iS COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE...

Wednesday, 04 March 2009

TOTAL HONESTY!!

alright... so here's what been happening... sorry its been forever!!! just means i have more to talk about... alright... so here goes nothing...

so there was that guy that broke up with me... well i am over that... completely... but FML [fuck my life... for those of you who don't know] and i am in a complete love triangle...

there are three guys... here goes nothing...

GUY ONE!!

nick- he is my best friend... has been for a while... completely and utterly amazing!!! love him to fucking death... here's his problem... has a girlfriend... and he doesn't know what he wants... he likes me but he just doesnt know. he doesnt want to ruin our friendship which is completely understandable... but here's my problem... everytime i see him i fall even more in love... i can't help it... he is a complete sweetheart.... he makes me laugh and smile and feel amazing without having to do anything... i can be myself 100 percent cometely around him... we have another friend who knows us both equally and i asked him what to do about nick... and he told me that when i am around nick i am the happiest he has ever seen me and he knows that we are amazing together... and he's exact words are nick is your guy... so what do i do??? let me explain the rest of the triangle before you answer!!!

GUY TWO!!

brandon- wow... where to begin with this one... alright... so you know that guy i talked about in my last blog that broke up with me and broke my heart... this is his best friend... yea... sticky situation [no pun intended]... but the thing is that we had something going on before me and dave started dating... so idk what to do... the other thing is brandon is a competely amazing guy... he is not like any guy i have ever meet... but there are alot of things i am not sure about... first off, he is against drugs... now if you know anything about me, I SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY OF MY LiFE!!! GET OVER iT!!!... i dont want to have to change for someone, but if i am going to change for anyone it would fo sho be him... i know he is just trying to help me do whats best for myself, but i just dont know... now i have know brandon since september... six months... and the other night when we were hanging out, he told me he loved me... and honestly, i am suprised i didnt say it back right away... my first reaction was to say, don't say that... and i said that to him... because i so easily believe things and i dont want to get hurt... its so not fair... but i do like him alot and i do care about him... but i dont know if i can go with all of that i love you yet... we arent dating... and we wont be until he is sure i am done with drugs... his one thing is he wants complete honesty... but i dont feel like his is being completely honest with me... like the other night when we were hangin out... he was passed out next to me and his phone wonuldnt stop going off so i opened it to ignor whatever was there and the first thing that pooped up was some girl texting him saying how she wanted him so bad right now... at two in the fucking morning... what kind of shit is that... i'm not going... not cool... so wtf... i dont know what to do... but wait... this is only guy two of the triangle... let me explain more...

GUY THREE!

allen- so there is this boy... and he is just a boy... that is what i tell myself anyways... but he is my first love... forever and always... and i miss him like crazy!! he is in the army right now... in korea... and he is coming back in may and wants to get back together... but i am so fucking lost... i dont even know what to do...

fml