| i AM SO FED UP WiTH LiFE LATELY AND EVERYONE BULLSHiT!! i CAN'T HANDLE THE DRAMA ANYMORE. PEOPLE ACT LiKE THEiR LiFE iS SO FUCKiNG BAD, BUT iF THEY ONLY KNEW. i HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH SHiT iN MY LiFE iTS KiND OF HARD TO BELiEVE. i HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW i CAME TO BE SUCH A STRONG PERSON MYSELF. iT MAY BE THE FACT THAT i HAVE HAD TO DEAL WiTH BAD FORTUNE MY WHOLE LiFE, BUT i DON'T REALLY THiNK THAT iS iT. THERE iS JUST SO MUCH SHiT THAT i HAVE BEEN THROUGH, i AM JUST GOiNG TO START RAMBLiNG, AND KEEP GOiNG. i DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW ELSE TO GET EVERYTHiNG OUT.
I suppose I should start out by letting you know a little bit about where I come from. I was born and raised in Lisle, Illinois. It is a very small town [it's actually a village]! My high school has just under 500 people enrolled in it. My graduating class would have been about 125 people in it. That is pretty pathetic if you ask me, but hey, no one is asking. I am the youngest of five siblings. I have two older brothers, Johnny [34] and Jason [26], and two older sisters, Jessica [24] and Jennifer [20]. Johnny is technically my step brother, but I am closer to him than any other member of my family. I also have a two nieces and a nephew. Julianna Marie [almost five months, Jennifer's daughter], Hailey Rose [will be seven in July, Jessica's daughter], and Matthew Joseph [will be eight in June, Jessica's son]. I love Matthew and Hailey as though they are my own kids. I would do anything and everything I could for them! They are my babies! My sister was still in high school when she had both of them, so I helped her out a lot. I would babysit them after school so that she could go to work, and I would help her out even when she was home so that she wouldn't get too stressed out. Even in my free time, if they asked me to play with them, you better believe I was out in our backyard throwing the baseball, pushing the swing, kicking the soccer ball, or just running around to get rid of some undesired energy. We would go skateboarding, take trips to the park, go on walks, take trips to Walgreens [so i could buy them candy and they could eat it before anyone found out], and we would just have a good time. I remember the first winter Matthew was big enough to play in the snow! I took him out his first time! It was so much fun! I felt like a little kid when I would play with them! We would play video games, watch movies, and just do everything a little kid loves to do. I know for a fact that those kids look up to me, and that is one of the main reasons I am trying to get my life together. They are just the most adorable kids in the world, and I would hate to see anything happen to them. I just love how you can ask them, "Who's the cool aunt?" and they say Jamie, and then you can ask them, "Who's the mean aunt?" and they say Jenny! It's not that I am trying to encourage them to think that Jenny is a bad aunt, but I like the feeling of knowing that I am the cool aunt. I love these kids with all of my heart! They are my whole world!!
I am just breaking down inside, and it is getting so hard to not let it show on the outside. I am a very emmotional person, don't get me wrong there. I just don't know how to express it in the right way. Even writing is becoming harder and harder for me to do. I just never know where to start anymore, or what to say, and what to not say. I know I should say everything and anything, because I write for me, but that is what makes it hard. How many of my mistakes do I honestly want to remember? Mistakes should be forgiven and forgotten right? I guess that not everyone feels that way though. There are so many mistakes I have made in my life, so many things I wish I could take back. You can't take back the past though. You can only hope for the future. What do you do when you feel like all hope is gone though? Everyone feels like all hope is gone at some point in their life, right? I used to be able to say [up until i was a freshmen in high school] that I never had a single suicidal thought. I used to love my life with an undying passion. I took the goood with the bad. Everything just seemed to balance out then. Sure, even before I was a freshmen in high school, I had a lot of tramatic thinigs happen to me. My dad passed away when I was two from a coccaine overdose, my mom remarried three years later [which seems a little soon to me now that I think about it], my oldest sister [who I looked up to SO SO SO much at the time] got pregnant twice and had two kids by the time I was in seventh grade, and my other sister [who i felt i had a semi-decent relationship at the time with] tried to kill her self when I was in sixth grade. These are just the things that have effected me the most though. I never got to met my father. A lot of people don't see why this is such a big deal for me. They just don't understand what it's like, I suppose. I mean, I did have a father-like figure through out the majority of my childhood. As long as I can remember John has been my father. He and my mom got married when I was five, and he adopted my brother, sisters, and me shortly there after. He is the only father I have ever know and I do call him dad, but it just isn't the same. He is my dad, but he is and will never be my father. It just hurts to sit there and think about the fact that my dad is no longer here with me. To care for me, help with things, and just show me that he loves me. People [My mom] tell[s] me that my dad wasn't a good guy even when he was around. She always tells me how he was too stoned and coked out all the time to even help her with his children, and that is about all I think I have ever heard her say about him. I do still talk to my aunt though, who knew my father better than anyone I know [they were related and all]. She tells me that he was an amazing person, her favorite sibling, and that he did care for us. He tried the best he could and that is all I am asking for. I didn't want to hear that he was the best father in the world. I think that might have depressed me a bit more. Knowing that he was there for my brother, sisters, and me at an age and time that I can no longer remember. This may sound a bit selfish, but it makes me feel a bit better knowing that my father wasn't the greatest guy on earth. I mean, how many addicts do you know that you can say they are actually good people? Not many, if any at all. The man overdosed on coccaine for crying out loud, how many good people do you know that do that? I can't think of a single one. Then I have my mom. I love my mom with all of my heart, which may come as a suprise to anyone that knows me. I know that I don't show it a lot, and I complain all of the time about the women, but she is still my mom. Sure, we don't always see eye to eye, but your not supposed to with your mom. She is supposed to be there for you to talk to about everything, but she is also there to guide you down the right path whether or not you want to be guided. She is there to help you learn for others mistakes, and to not let you make the same mistakes that she did. It took me along time to figure this out, but I think that I am beginning to grasp it more and more everyday. I always thought that my mom was trying to make my life a living hell, trying to stop me from doing the things that she never got to do, and trying to shelter me as much as she could for as long as she could [and i dont blame her for any of it]. I was being exposed to many things at such a young age for the meer fact that I had two older brothers and two older sisters [who we're the best influences]. My mom wasn't trying to hurt me, she was trying to protect me from hurting myself, because when I was hurting, it was hurting her ten times more. The love a mother has for her daughter is the strongest, most solid form of love ever. Mother's are some of the most empathetic people in the world, and seeing their child hurt just tears them into pieces. Now I see though, that my mom was just trying to help me. She was trying to stop me from doing the things that she didn't get to do; she was trying to stop me from making the same mistakes that she did. I don't think I could be more blessed then to have a mother like mine. She has been through so much more than me in her life [obviously, she'll be over the hill this year] and she still stands tall with her head up and can enjoy life. Maybe that is where is get my strong character and personality from. I am not sayng that my mom taught me to assert myself the way I do, but I am most definatly saying that she helped guide me to the person I am today. I think maybe just seeing her have to hold back so many tears and knowing just a little bit of what she has been through opened my eyes to the fact that you have to take the good with the bad. As most of you have probably realized from my previous notes [if you don't personally know me] or just from spending time with me in day to day life is that I basically live my life by 'silly' quotes. I guess you could say that a lot of quotes are my morals. I live by them. Here are a few for example: - "You've got to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, learn from your mistakes, and never regret because at one point, everything you did was exactly what you wanted!"
- "A wise girl knows her limits, a great girl knows that she has none"
- "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"
- "If it ever once crosses your mind to do something, you should do it, because at one point in time, it was exactly what you wanted"
I suppose I feel that I should live my life by these quotes because they help make me a stronger person. I believe that being sad about something or getting angry at a situation doesn't make things any better. It doesn't change what happened, and it sure as hell isn't going to make things any easier. People need to realize that life has it's up's and it's downs, but that's what makes life worth living. You never know what tomorrow is going to bring. You have to wake up with the mind set that yesterday is history. You have to be thankful for what the new day can bring you. I guess I have my friends to thank for who I have become. Although some people beg to differ, I like to believe I have a pretty amazing group of peopple supporting me. They are there for me more than ANYONE that I know. My friends are there for me more than my family is, which is pretty amazing when you think about it. I have know the same people my entire life, so they have basically become my family. People who live in Lisle have probably lived there thier whole lives, so everyone knows everyone, which is not always a good thing. It causes a lot of drama, which is where majority of my troubles begin. I was lucky enough to find a group of friends that I can depend on. Something else you should probably know about me, is I don't like to associate myself with many girls. I just don't like the drama they bring. Well, that is my excuss at least. Thinking back, I never really hung out with girls too much. I was always hanging out with the guys. I wasn't into barbie's, going to the mall, or giving eachother makeovers. Those things just didn't appeal to me. I would rather play basketball or football, go skateboarding, play video games, or go camping. I liked to play in the mud, go fishing, and eat at hooters! That's just what made me feel like me. I related more to guys my whole life. I also think that they make better friends. They don't put up with dumb drama bullshit, and believe it or not [when you are not dating them] they are actaully really easy to trust. Think about it this way, if you talk to a guy about your feelings [like deep dark feelings] do you really think they are going to turn around and tell their friends what you said? I don't. Not because they don't talk about things, but because of what their guy friends would think if they knew you were ralating to someone on an emotional level. I don't know, it just makes sense to me. I just have a good group of friend I guess. How did I ever get so lucky? I just now am beginning to realize I haven't ever brought up why I was initionally in a bad mood. I guess it doesn't seem like such a major problem comsidering everything else I have been through, but it is what is bothering me most currently. I know that I should probably talk about it now, but I'll wait, until I know what to say... |
